Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
