Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
