Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you didnt know i had herpes?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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