My balls are so social today.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
