it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
