My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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