She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
