How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm like, not good at living.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
