so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize