Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
