I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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