I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
