There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Houston, we have a blender
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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