WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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