Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
