I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
