Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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