The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Its about making memories worth repressing
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
