Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
