the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
