Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
