Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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