Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
