Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
