I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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