but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize