Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
