I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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