Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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