ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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