What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
