you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
