Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
