we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize