he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize