I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
