Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
