Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
