remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
