You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
