The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
