I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
