they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
