They should really pass out barf bags in church
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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