i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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