i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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