I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
