i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
