a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
