at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
