I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
