dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
