Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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