I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
