i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
