I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
