Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
