I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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