well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
