I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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