I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
