We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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