I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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