in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Randomize
